MS continued

I got my diagnosis back in 1988. It's not like it's anything new. So why is the hopelessness hitting me right now?

There's been plenty of disappointment in my life... plenty of things I didn't find out about until it was too late; plenty of things I didn't appreciate until I lost them; plenty of things I tried for and failed at... but all things considered, I'm doing pretty well.

I have a job. Okay, it's only part-time, because I can't work full time - the last time I tried, I had an attack... but it is a job, and it's one I enjoy. And it's flex-time - so I can nap when the fatigue hits, or take time out when a voice student arrives or when there's something else I want to do... and there's lots of vacation time, so I can plan a vacation around things like my annual Music to Cure MS concert to benefit the Accelerated Cure Project for Multiple Sclerosis.

I have a "husband" - well, we're still legally married, although he's been living with a g/f since around the time my legs became a problem. But I have a b/f too - a guy whose joy in life is to help others, so it's his joy to help me... but who also needs a bit of help and pampering himself, which it's my pleasure to provide. And he makes me laugh out loud - freely, breathlessly! - for some reason, when I'm with him, the pseudo-bulbar affect that's been making me burst into tears when I find something funny doesn't hit me.

I can still sing, if I work on it. I can still drive... although since this last bout of optic neuritis, I'm not too happy driving at night. I can work out at the gym... only problem: my upper arms are too firm for me to give myself shots there any more! I can run on the treadmill for as fast as 5 mph for as long as 1/2 minute, in between walking at 2.5 mph. Sometimes I even let go of the rails for a moment - and I lasted for 16 minutes last Friday.

So... what's eating me right now? Why do I keep thinking about apoptosis...?