I brought up postpartum depression and my anger at my mother with the therapist I've been seeing since my
job loss sent my depression back into the aptosis range. And she said,
smiling,
"But you loved your mother anyway, right?"
And I said, "No."
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NPR
just ran a story on postpartum depression... and I wondered. I was
told a long time ago (when? by my brother? or my father?) that there
was a nurse to take care of me after I was born, because my mother had postpartum depression.
Is this the cause of my own problems? No bonding. Attachment troubles.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eqa_attachment_bond.htm
points out:
"Insecurity can be a significant problem in our lives, and it takes root when an infant’s attachment bond fails to provide the child with sufficient structure, recognition, understanding, safety, and mutual accord. These insecurities may lead us to...
...Tune out and turn off—If our parent is unavailable and self-absorbed, we may — as children — get lost in our own inner world, avoiding any close, emotional connections. As adults, we may become physically and emotionally distant in relationships."
This is exactly how my life has run! This is why, although I have great joy with my Friend, and miss him when he's gone, I don't dare say I love him.
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I spent my childhood forgiving my mother, saying "She's doing the best she can." <http://www.livescience.com/17573-baby-mother-bonds-affect-future-adult-relationships-study-finds.html> When she finally died I rejoiced, thinking "I don't have to forgive her any more - she's gone, and won't know what I'm doing or saying! I can be as angry as I need to be!"
-- So I can be angry that she ran over and killed my cat while dragging me to that Girl Scout meeting - and tossed the body in the garbage can.
-- I can be angry about the bedroom remake that blew away everything I cared about... sending me into a fugue state that lasted years.
-- I can be angry that she
bought herself a cheap wire music stand for her post-retirement recorder
lessons, after refusing to buy me a cheap stand when I was a kid taking
violin lessons.
-- I can be angry about the time she insisted on my "teaching" her Sunday School class a melody that I didn't know and couldn't read... one of my most embarrassing memories.
But anger isn't healthy. And the 5th commandment says I'm supposed to honor my mother.
So... how do I get past this at last?
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2 comments:
Marion,
I *so* know where you're coming from. I don't know if my mom suffered from PPD, but I *do* know that I came along at a *very* bad time in their lives. In the year surrounding my birth, (a) both of my father's parents died, (b) my parents were building their house, (c) my parents were trying to start their business, and (d) Kennedy was shot. My parents marveled at how I learned to read at such an early age and could "content" myself by crawling into a corner and reading a book (kept me convenient and out of the way, after all!). They didn't realize that I was doing this *because* they were so wrapped up in their shit that they weren't attending to my needs beyond bare survival.
I remember once after some business clients departed the house (during which time, of course, us kids had to be Very Very Quiet) why my parents had "the business" at all. They responded that it was the thing that let us have the nice house and all our toys and whatnot. Only years later did I realize that I probably would have been a lot happier with a little less material comfort in return for a lot more emotional engagement.
That's the short form; I could go on for pages, but this is your blog.
Here's the takeaway: I have given myself permission to *hate* my parents. You know how a bratty teenager can turn to mom and scream "I HATE YOU?!" Well, I decided I would spend as much time as I need in that state. I might get over it, or I might be this way for the rest of my life. I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing that my parents are both dead and so engagement or reconciliation is impossible, but this is how I'm dealing.
Anger isn't unhealthy, either. Anger is an emotional reaction.
It is what we do about our anger that is good or bad. And some of the worst things we do about our anger arise when we deny our anger at one person or situation, and end up projecting it towards other people in our lives.
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