A MyMS Team member asked:

Does anyone here go to a counselor for assistance in dealing with MS and life? I am struggling to get through my day and wanted to know if anyone else goes to counseling to assist with MS and life/work balance?

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I answered:

I've seen various therapists over the years, mosty for depression (even before I got my dx in 1988)

- some have been excellent help, allowing me to talk out my worries & giving me clear-headed advice and encouragement
- one got it totally wrong, spending our time listening to me and "topping" me with her personal solutions to her own problems
- a few have tried to talk me into antidepressants (not for me! - psychotropic meds always cause problems for me; some neurologists have tricked me into them, with bad results.)

A strange episode a few years ago changed everything: I started burting into tears for no apparent reason. I went to a therapist, desperate for help. I burst into tears in front of her, she asked me why I was crying, & I said "I don't know!"

My neuro finally found the answer: Psudobulbar affect. I cry when I turn my head in a particular direction, at a particular angle; I cry (instead of laughing) when something strikes me as funny; if I'm tired, I cry at anything slightly sad... This is an MS symptom, not an emotional problem: I'm not in complete control of the expressions of emotions, and give an appearance of reacting in inappropriate ways, EVEN IF THE REACTION HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY TRUE FEELINGS!

Realizing this was actually freeing: I no longer need to try to analyze things and figure out what childhood trauma caused my reaction. I'm free to live in the moment, and deal with problems as they come up.

It's frustrating in many ways: If I go to a funny show, I have to hide my face to keep people from seeing my sudden tears (trying not to sob out loud). I used to sing opera, but there are songs I can no longer sing because they make me burst into tears. I've embarrassed myself in public, trying to sing, losing control, and having to stop.

I'm going through a really bad period in my life (lost my job; PC pushing me into applying for disability; SSDI approving me at first try, but not giving me anything in writing) - so I looked for help this summer, and could not find a therapist to connect with.

In the end I've had to depend on myself and my friends to keep me going. I keep going back to my koan from decades ago: I have all eternity to find out what it's like to be dead, and only a few decades to find out what it's like to be alive... so I'll stay alive.

MS continued

I got my diagnosis back in 1988. It's not like it's anything new. So why is the hopelessness hitting me right now?

There's been plenty of disappointment in my life... plenty of things I didn't find out about until it was too late; plenty of things I didn't appreciate until I lost them; plenty of things I tried for and failed at... but all things considered, I'm doing pretty well.

I have a job. Okay, it's only part-time, because I can't work full time - the last time I tried, I had an attack... but it is a job, and it's one I enjoy. And it's flex-time - so I can nap when the fatigue hits, or take time out when a voice student arrives or when there's something else I want to do... and there's lots of vacation time, so I can plan a vacation around things like my annual Music to Cure MS concert to benefit the Accelerated Cure Project for Multiple Sclerosis.

I have a "husband" - well, we're still legally married, although he's been living with a g/f since around the time my legs became a problem. But I have a b/f too - a guy whose joy in life is to help others, so it's his joy to help me... but who also needs a bit of help and pampering himself, which it's my pleasure to provide. And he makes me laugh out loud - freely, breathlessly! - for some reason, when I'm with him, the pseudo-bulbar affect that's been making me burst into tears when I find something funny doesn't hit me.

I can still sing, if I work on it. I can still drive... although since this last bout of optic neuritis, I'm not too happy driving at night. I can work out at the gym... only problem: my upper arms are too firm for me to give myself shots there any more! I can run on the treadmill for as fast as 5 mph for as long as 1/2 minute, in between walking at 2.5 mph. Sometimes I even let go of the rails for a moment - and I lasted for 16 minutes last Friday.

So... what's eating me right now? Why do I keep thinking about apoptosis...?