Revenge

J comments about an email he received from the web list, looking for someone to build a simple site. "Oh, the Libraries web group?" I ask. "I'm not on that list any more." "No," he says, "not the Libraries list - it's a general U. list - I thought you were on it."

I spend a lot of time imagining sending an email to the unhelpful HRO who never mentioned any such list through all the months I begged her for help as my job slid down the drain. It has lots of words like "bitch" and "evil," and points out that, even though she has twisted things and backed me into a corner so that I can't sue my ex-employer for disability discrimination, I don't see why I can't sue her personally. I get very angry, and feel very bitter and depressed. I pray that she will suffer someday (soon!), as I have, thus becoming capable of appreciating the harm she has done me - the loss not simply of my job, but of the dregs of my health.

And then it hits me: She can't be hurt by anything I say to her. She will keep her job for as long as it suits them to let her keep it, and my feelings will make no difference to her life.

But I can be hurt by what I'm saying and thinking. I'm wasting my limited time and energy on negative thoughts and words, instead of helping others and myself, and building happy memories, plans, and hopes.

So I go out on my scooter, in the sun.